Raspberry Twist

2010-10-01T12:51:00.002-04:00

Something that really irks me to no end (doesn't that sound really awkward? irks me to no end...aha):

People who do not use what they have.
Who are selfish to the point of needing to go back to kindergarten and learn how to share.
Ok. THAT's a low blow, but .... idk I have no words to describe this further. Or how I need to.
Or how I should, here.

Why people are so insistent on stowing things away is beyond me.
We just collect moments, you know?

Obviously I'm still struggling with this concept myself or I wouldn't need to rely on this very post as a way out of it.
Sometimes it just really, really saddens me to see people acting in such ways.
Especially myself.

Please read everything by Eric Fromm.
The Art of Being kind of changed my life.
(In conjunction with a lot of other events lately.)

Also, watch Waking Life. Because it is amazing.

AND this blog, far beyond the stars, has struck a chord with everything I've been in search of.
(yes, i'm an english major with craptastic grammar skillz and sentences ending in prepostions)

Namely, truly LIVING a minimalist lifestyle.
Outside of my conditioning, outside of all these templates for how I "should" be that took away from everything that was important.
TRULY important.

In fact I've taken this perhaps a bit to the extreme, but that is how I choose to live.
I want to travel. To experience.
I'm not sure at this point what I'm going to do with the posts beneath this, because they are kind of representing states that were anything but delicious or nutritious.

But that's a part of this process I guess?
Documents of my downfalls.

But it's fall, and now more than ever I can feel something real taking root.
Growth in the death.
The desperation before the death.

Cos it's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know.

2010-09-19T15:15:00.004-04:00

[Excerpt from]

Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth:

"It's a cycle - it's a going and a return that the hero cycle represents.
But then this can be seen also in the simple initiation ritual, where a child has to give up his childhood, and become an adult - has to die, you might say, to his infantile personality and psyche and come back as a self-responsible adult. That's a fundamental experience everyone has to undergo. We're in our childhood for at least 14 years, and then to get out of that posture of dependency - psychological dependency, into one of psychological self-responsibility requires a death and resurrection."

Phoenix
Rebirth
Renew

...

Alignment
line
malign       nant
lig
         a
                            ment
Growth.

2010-09-08T18:58:00.002-04:00

So here's a fun story.

Once upon a time a brother and sister went on a bike ride to their favorite park.
They played on the swings, went to the stream where the younger brother tried to chase his sister with a giant frog (and she screamed her head off, even though the said sister is 10 years his senior), and other typical walk-through-the-park activities like slides and monkey bars.
(for the record it is probably best not to do this if you are 20 yrs old and start to receive wary glances from other parents. just saying.)

So then it's getting late and they start to head home.

AND THEN

SUDDENLY

OUT OF NOWHERE

A GIANT GERMAN SHEPPARD BREAKS OFF HIS CHAIN AND ATTACKS THE YOUNGER BROTHER!

in a burst of adrenaline the older sister leaps off her bike! and charges towards the dog! but the owner is already chasing it away!

but the dog tries to come back and attack again!

The older sister astutely flails her arms like a deranged flight attendant and screams at the dog to "STAY AWAY!!!"
(It worked)

Then she yells to her brother to "PEDAL AS FAST AS YOU CAN BACK HOME!"

So after a trip to the emergency room, RICE (rest, ice, compress, elevate!), and a few tears later...
They decided not to take that route again.

...and the wounds look pretty bad.
The end.

2010-09-06T10:57:00.000-04:00

2010-09-03T14:04:00.003-04:00

Eyes that burn bright
Insight
In sight

Only in the light.
only in the night.

what a site to see

cited ©,

Si?

Ahaaahaaaaa...

2010-09-02T23:09:00.002-04:00

Sunset.

2010-08-29T22:32:00.002-04:00

Red sky in the morning, sailor's warning.
Red sky at night, sailor's delight.

2010-08-28T20:36:00.002-04:00

So done.
So done with righting wrongs.
Writing Wrongs.
Wrung Wrongs
Right wrong
Right rights
Right, Right?
Rites
Writing rights
writing writing
make the right wrong
the wrong right.
It's right, it's right
It's alright.
Is that so?
Done.
So dumb.

ॐ

Um?

2010-08-27T21:24:00.004-04:00

*begins to type*

*nothing important here*

Just realizations.
Not meant to be said, spoken.
or filtered through words.

Sunshine-warming faces blinding our eyes and seeing truth.

And other artsy bullsh*t.

The kind that makes you go
lalalalalalalalalaaa♥ve

Look at me now

I'm all dressed up in your words today

2010-08-26T18:46:00.001-04:00

I felt like a beached whale today.
Happens every now and then.
Much of an improvement from every moment of every day.
I'd say.

Anyways, it's the kind of day that NOTHING looks right, everything makes you look like a fat flubbering mess, and there are fun house mirrors and kaleidoscope thoughts that stop you from accomplishing anything.

I finallllly decided on the frumpiest items of clothing I own (sweats, what is probably size XXXXL t-shirt) because this way no one will be able to see my body. So I feel better looking like a bum as opposed to fashionably fat. Because that's oxymoronic. At least in my mind.

“My body is a cage, my mind holds the key.”

Song of the day:

Control is an illusion anyways.
And thoughts are JUST THOUGHTS.

[Edit: Aka THINKING you're fat, even when you're NOT fat is the stupidest belief to ever heed.
EVER. Just because I'm fucking 20lbs from 120 does not mean the world is over. Gah. I will not let this friggin obsession destroy everything....as I've let it efface everything with my emotions(!)]

Make peace peace peace peace peace.
Pleeease.

2010-08-24T20:10:00.002-04:00

So some days of the week Sazz & I carpool to school
like today.
and this morning as I woke up late again, literally had 15 mins to flit around the house like a lunatic and get ready.

So anyways, we agreed that in each others car we have to be subjected to each others music. Expansion, you know.
This was her song of the day, by the way.

Conversation snippet:

Her: "OMG there is this song you NEEED to hear because its soooooo youuuuu!
I think of you every time I hear it! It is exactly where your life is right now!"

"You never knew life was a rubber band
The harder that you pull the more it snaps back the more it hurts

So don’t take out your frustrations on your body that junk will make you sorry

Keep moving forward don’t live in the corner
Be who you want to be
Judges will judge in the classroom in the corner
If you keep giving them their say"

Me: "Ouch. Kind of a slap in the face, it's that accurate lyric-wise."

Her: *smirks* "I know."

Me: *feigns heartbreak*

[sotto voce]
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?"

[Then sings it dramatically]
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?"

Her: *rolls eyes* "Oh puh-leeeassseee. You like the way it hurts.
Why else would you continue to do this to yourself?"

and etc etc

So that is how we choose the music from now on.
Lyric battles from conversations to current situations =)

Annnd food-wise I was a mess cos I didn't have anything to eat til 5 when I got home.
(so sorry to everyone I was probably cranky to)
Blahhh.
I would say it was an IF, which I think is good to do every now and then, but it wasn't.

You know what I reallllyyy would love to do?
Cut the emotional ropes that tie food to feelings.
That would be fabulous.

2010-08-23T16:19:00.007-04:00

1st day of classes was todayyyy!!!
Luckily I only have one class on mondays, and its art so 's'all goood.
It's a color theory class - and by the end I'll be able to replicate any color by breaking it down into percentages of say cadmium and crimson (fire! fall! autumn explosions-before-the-death of leaves).
I think it's a relatively intuitive thing to do - but when it comes to realistic painting/shadows/flesh - very tricky!

So anyways obvs. I couldnt sleep the night before, but finalllly ended up falling asleep at 3 ish.
Then slept through the alarm.
Til 10:30 ahhhh!

So I had to rush rush rush, didn't even bother looking in the mirror cos that would probably have encouraged me not to go...threw 2/4c pistachio mix in my shoulder sling

almost made a nose dive into the coffee pot but then quickly made spicy chai tea instead.
(also wasn't hungry at allll given my dis-ease, apprehension, and all that fun stuff.)
(also why I was crazy-thin on campus (among other things) I was dealing with that feeling all the tiiimmee)

So class was super.
(I'm really not being sarcastic here I promise. ok fine, just a smidge.)

Stayed on campus for awhile (and seriously if I hear hey-how-was-your-summer or anything like that one more time I might just snap and construct a more entertaining response like I went to the rainforest of brazil where I slept in butterfly gardens by waterfalls and lived off of brazil nuts and mangos and met really awesome people and did really awesome things like making a reed basket and flute, which I can play now, and went swinging on vines like tarzan.

As opposed to I went to Omega and met really awesome people and did really awesome things ~~before I had a megameltdown that almost undid everything.~~
(and actually I did swing on a vine like tarzan here. Ok, rope. huh.))

Then on the way back stopped at the health food store. whooop.
(So you know the part of the movie Eat Pray Love ((the anemic version of the book)) where Liz is deciding to go to the three different places, to take a year for HERSELF - and she's like "I used to have an appetite for life, and it's just gone." That is kind of where I'm standing. For some reason writing about stopping at the health food store reminded me of that (?) And to save ya'll from another of my infamous circular rambles - I'll just leave it at that =/.

This yogurt was gross. But it looked inviting.

THEN I got some treats for later in the week. Cos, ya know first day of classes requires such things.

Almond Butter action^

Smmooothiiee with the spirutein + unsw coconut milk
topped w/ a tbsp of the AB

Had some steamed broccolli + evoo + nutritional yeast

1/2 an avocado with salad

and Raspberry blush vinegar!

Chris & I split a pretty peach w/ coconut butter and some nut mix for dessert.

Philosophy, English, History - oh my! tomorrow.
Yip. eeee.
My enthusiasm is just overflowinggg.

But first time for a butt-kicking workout and a movie most likely.

Oh and I'm kind of addicted to this song.

2010-08-22T12:04:00.008-04:00

I taught Brad how to make his own breakfast this morning.
Pretty epic considering the only thing he's adept at making is cereal =P
He was really thrilled that I took pictures of this, as you can tell:

(yes, he learned how to sautee onion and red pepper with eggs cooked in a ridiculous amount of butter)

He thinks he's hilarious, btw, and brilliantly says this before he asks me to make an omlette.
Him: "If a tree falls on a woman in a forest, does it make a sound?"
Me: (half awake, just stumbling downstairs, pre-coffee)
((by the way I am hitting my caffeine addiction for the last time today. Booo.))
"don't say it. or else." *insert groggy squinty-eyed mock-ferocious glare* and continue mumbling something about our family's really kitch/cheesy sense of humour.
Him: "Why is there a forest the kitchen?"
*laughs uncontrollably*
(for at least a minute)

Then I proceed to sit at the table, with a trucker-sized cuppa joe, and dictate to him how to cook.
Between spoonfuls of greek yogurt and the latest book. oh and my horoscope, of course.

A few steps later
Me: "See? That actually doesn't look half bad, brad. Good job!" (and I do say this ever-so condescendingly)
Him: "Of course it looks amazing - because I made it."

The difference between us is three years, a phelps-esque metabolism, a couple ~~thousand~~ million yards of swimming, among numerous other things. And the fact that he thinks he's gods-gift-to-everything. Whereas I'm on the other end of the complex.
ooof.

Annnd I had written the above BEFORE I came downstairs for him to model his new shirt.
Synchronicity at its best I guess.
I told him he was a tool.

So, some bites:

Rained all of today
So I wore gray, and made up
really lame haiku's.

(Actually I think that used to be a store? 5-7-5?
Oh, nope, jk.
It was 5-7-9.
I knew that.)

aha.

^Deer in the yard!

Had a piece of pizza for dinner:

With diet sodaaa. crazymess.

Babysat le cousins

And other un-bloggable nonsense.

Really mixed about commuting to campus this semester.
On the upside, I am taking time to deal with everything that got out of control last semester (and the summer/semester before that, too =/) by living off campus.
On the downside, I feel as though I never know what is truly 'good' for me, that I'm constantly stuck in a cycle of attaching to things that ultimately are going to bring about stability, yea, outward composure, sure..... but so much of life is not about those things at all. So much is about not being complacent. Then the possible flip side - getting stuck in self-destructive patterns.
bleh.

Me attempting to be positive: also why it's good to be home - I have something to rebel against. When someone tells me I have to do something a certain way, I can almost guarantee that I'll do just the opposite. Mostly cos I'm still kind of juvenile I suppose - but more so I find that when you are in a relatively strict environment, you develop more of a passion for what you believe in. Because you have to push against something to carve out your own space. Idk. A tinge of desperation that gives it a spark? Maybe? bahaha...Sorry for the rambly-ness I blame that second glass of wine for this uncorked, unabashed prattle.

Anyways, I guess this kind of gets into what I feel defines "healthy."
From the past - in terms of diet/exercise I started off on the right track. Hit a stride.
Then slowly began to fall apart as it consumed other aspects of my life.

This is the difference between a healthy lifestyle and a disorder.
I'm determined not to let this happen again.

When it impairs your ability to function in your daily life, when you start devoting too much of your energy to worrying about really ridiculous things - that is when it becomes a problem.
Soooo much of this is tied to IMAGE, and the discrepancies between how I feel, and how things are in reality. How I come across to people, and how I see myself.

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I guess. As a crutch to either reaffirm things so I will believe them, or to vent, or to just de-clutter.
For confirmation of some truths I build myself around.
To give my madness a method.

"Shine on me baby, cos it's raining in my heart."
+
this playlist
=
rainy day deliciousness

Zucchini Bread and Sugar loaf

2010-08-21T14:03:00.013-04:00

Every now and then I go through something like baking withdrawal, where I'm overcome by the intense desire to stay in the kitchen and throw ~~goopy healthified ingredients~~ delicious wholesome concoctions from mixing bowl to oven all day. And by all day I mean a few hours. And by a few hours I mean 3, which results in complete and total kitchen ~~destruction~~. cleanli ~~mess?~~ Cleanliness. I go through all of our baking supplies and think of what I can make on whim, so naturally when I'm done it looks ~~like a cafeteria food fight has just occurred~~ super sparklingly-clean.

This time, however, I actually used recipes.

But first:

I started the day with black coffee.

Then
ran a few errands, etc.
ran some trails
ran some trails
made a ransom with sugar

just a lot of running lately.

Then came home and made gluten-free zucchini bread and vegan peanut butter banana bread

So a word about the former: even when you think it would be an adorable idea to use muffin tins instead of a bread pan...you should not do it. Because you will end up with bread-y stuck-to-the-side muffins. Which is kind of obvious, but just in case you have certain lapses in judgment like i do... just stick to the recipe.

Grate zucchini

Make almond flour

Separate whites and yolks

Cream of tartar, aluminum free baking powder, cin&nutmeg, salt

Batter.

Bake.

Bite.

So these are definitely not of the slightly sweet-cinnamon-y variety of zucchini bread that I was going for - but all in all they weren't bad, and had minimal sugar.

I guess to make up for it's lack I made this sugar-ful loaf. It is crazzyyy filling tho - like the kind of indulgence that does the job - decadent, delicious, and definitely not allowing you to have room for more.

However next time, instead of brown sugar (yes. I . used. brown. SUGAR. so shoot me.) I think I'll just use a few more banana's and maybe another apple.
To keep it uber healthy, ya know.
This is definitely a dessert!

Btdubs - STRESSED backwards = DESSERTS

Looks mushy, no?
That is kind of what made it so delish.
In fact, it's practically gone now cos everyone lurved it.
(wish i could say the same for the zucchini bread)

Then the madre even baked a blackberry cobbler, which looks pretty decadent:

But Im a bit over-sugared today.

Dinnah was green beans, the last bit of hummus, chicken and tomato.
And vino.

These ^ are just a few of the reallllly exciting things that happen in my parents household.

Anyways, now I'm off to read & relax and get ready for this semesterrr.

2010-08-20T19:20:00.008-04:00

Food porn:

I didn't really have 'meals' today - but just noshed on whatever I felt like as I got hungry. In the past, this has proved not-so-great an idea ...but I was craving something uber sweet so I just went with it.

Hence ^ this.

Sooo yum! Piece of oatmeal bread with half peanut butter (no AB! =() half, coconut butter, banana slices and raisins.
obvs sprinkled with cinnamon ♥
and drizzled w/ honey.
With unsw. almond milk.
Deelushh.

It looks like a rose! Kinda? sorta?

The sis was having ants on a log for snackage.

I introduced her to de-xylem and phloem-ed celery.
Word.

For din: Chicken Parm & Broccoli avec hummus.

I love when I actually remember to take my camera with me. Or else I wouldn't be able to crack up every time I look at these:

ahahahaaaaah... Sazz and I went to ze park and took bestfrann pitchas.
(I promise I'm wearing a dress! I have not taken primal that far aha)

She's really cool.

Actually we both kind of are. Really. really...cool.
mhmmm.

lol.

2010-08-20T16:06:00.004-04:00

4 cups of unsweetened shredded coconut, a food processor, and 15 minutes later:

2010-08-19T20:03:00.004-04:00

Attempting to teach Benji to sit. He only knows how to twirl, apparently.
(and I swear she is not punching him in the second picture lol)

Smoothie in a bowl.
1/2 a b.nan.,
strawbs,
other berries
chia powder
& unsw. coconut/almond milk
Topped w. almonds and cashews

And a brazil nut for selenium!

Annnd gallivanting around the house to this song
lalalalaa

I've got a perfect bo ah ah ah ahdy.

Though sometimes I forget.

I've got a perfect body

cos my eyelashes catch my sweat.
Yes they do!
They do oo oo oo oo!

2010-08-18T20:34:00.004-04:00

Green smoothie!

~4 cups of spinach, a frozen banana, and almond milk
Delish.

Was not really hungry at all today - buuut i did make the bro a monstrous omlette:

Annnd I had a monstrous post to go along with it as well, but I'm not in a very articulate mood sooo I'll be posting it when I have time to word my words right.
Ja? h'okayy.

Oh, here's a pretty picture to make up for it:

And here's a random bit info on amethyst, in case you were curious.
(And thank you to whoever left this on my dresser?)

Amethyst Gemstone meaning

Crystalline quartz in shades of purple, lilac or mauve is called amethyst, a stone traditionally worn to guard against drunkeness and to instill a sober mind. The word amethyst comes from the Greek meaning "without drunkenness" and amethyst is beleived to protect one from poison.

Power Stone

It is used as a dream stone and to help insomnia. Put an amethyst under your pillow to bring about pleasant dreams, or rub it across your forehead to offer relief from a headache.

Protection Stone

Ancient Egyptians used the amethyst guard against guilty and fearful feelings. It has been worn as protection from self-deception, as well as a protection against witchcraft. The amethyst has long been used to open the spiritual and psychic centers, making it one of the power stones. It is also used as a meditation aid when worn as a necklace.

Wisdom Stone

The amethyst is known as the Bishop's Stone and is still worn by Catholic Bishops. The amethyst symbolizes piety, humility, sincerity and spiritual wisdom. It is thought the amethyst is the perfect stone to symbolize The Age of Aquarius.

Healing properties of Amethyst

Amethyst is a gemstone often worn by healers, as it has the power to focus energy. A healer will usually wear several pieces of jewelry with amethysts set in silver, especially an amethyst necklace. The person to be healed will have an Amethyst to hold while the healing is being done. The healer will place another piece of Amethyst on the area of the body in need of healing, the heart or lungs usually.

Amethyst is used for problems in the blood and in breathing problems. Amethyst crystal clusters are used to keep the air and life force in the home clean and positive.

Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts placed in a window that receives sun most of the day are very beneficial to use in healing and to heal negativity in the home. Place Amethyst clusters, points or several tumbled Amethysts in moonlight and everyone in the home will be feeling calmer. Using an Amethyst as a meditation focus will increase the positive spiritual feelings. Amethyst helps overcome fears and cravings. It also helps relieve headaches.

^This is straight from HERE, btdubs.

2010-08-17T18:12:00.005-04:00

See I do still eat real food.
Here was dinnah:
Tuna mixed w/ 1/2 an avocado
Caramalized Onion & sauteed mushrooms
And a fried egg

Dessert =

Unsweetened Coconut Milk w/ a tsp of vanilla & cinnamon

Banana-Soft-Serve once again, which I was going to have before Brad ate it all.
I had a spoonful though. The chia powder that I added made it thicker and balanced out the sweet a bit. Yummm.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annnd taking a walk and listening to such music:

is the cherry on top.

☯
♡
★
☮

Food, Fitness, Family

2010-08-17T11:22:00.009-04:00

S'mores.

Umhmm.
And no, I did not have my healthified version at all.
BUT. I'm dabbling more with intuitive eating.
(IK a lot of primal folks will bash this, but it really is about finding what works for you and your body/mentality. My mentality as of late has been all over the place. And too much of this kind of thing has encroached on my life, putting a lot of things way out of whack. I'd say I'm still about 70/30 primal....but for now I am NOT even bothering with the labels. Or clearly the carb/sugar contents. whhooopss. =/. )

Grilled cheeeese.

So I broke the whole vegan thing I had going on for a few weeks...as well as being vegetarian.
But as I said. Intuitive.
I'm still kind of waiting for the guilt of that fact to catch up with me, as usually does when I have something that's sugar or grain-based...but luckily it hasn't yet.
And I'm hoping won't.

PB &...Yellow jackets. mmm.

The most adorable tissue box ever. I think you know something is off when you blog about such things? Probably?

We want YOU... (to get fit?...get off your computer? Idk you decide for yourself his expression isn't really decipherable.)

Over vacation, Brad ran his own 'fitness challenges' for me in exchange for daily yoga routines.
So throughout our stay he would randomly burst out in his newscaster-type voice and go "fitness challenge number58" and come up with some impossible routine like "swim to the other side of the lake, watch out for the rattlesnakes, lunge up the side of the mountain, hop back down, do 500 one armed push-ups, 800 squats swim back and then help set up the tent." Um. Yea. Right on that.
So instead I'd swim to an island ~2miles, then do a plank circuit, burpees, that kinda thing randomly.
Fun fun.

Sunburned
(also, why I usually smile without-teeth. ya.)

(No mirrors = more self-indulgent pictures. Naturally.)

Read it and weep.

Language is the liquid

That we’re all dissolved in

Great for solving problems

After it creates a problem

2010-08-16T23:39:00.004-04:00

The great outdoors

swimming cove

contemplation

Christian’s Muscles/Mussels =P

Baby Mouse!!

Caterpillar

2010-08-10T03:17:00.008-04:00

Here is the thing about family vacations:
They are a blast

....in the head.

Here is the thing about car rides:

They require earphones.
Or earplugs.
Or sticking your fingers in your ears the entire time and going 'lalalalalala! I can't hear you!'
(because you're 5 years old. obvs.)

Or a tolerance of:
-your brother's boisterously loud and obnoxious voice
-your dad yelling. every. 5. seconds.
-your mom casting criticisms out like they're roles in a play.
(and even then she'd probably still not be satisfied. for instance, in criticizing the dad-yelling bit I could see this in my head as something like: "if you're going to yell, you can at least do so politely, your characters role doesn't require as much angst as your portraying.")
-your sister telling you how fat you are
- your brother telling you how fat you are
- casting venomous glares in the direction of the said people telling you how fat you are

Besides this, you have everyone's clashing music tastes.
Portrait of last year:
- Brad, the classic rocker (singing sweet home alabama with a country twang)
-Alyssa, the wannabe emo/screamo/punk (occasionally casting demonic faces to convey how sick her music is,)
-Christian...who just says anything I listen to is garbage.
- the madre, who would prefer classical music, straight up with lime.
- the padre, blasts the Indigo Girls and sings along (no joke).
- Me listening to Damien Rice, rolling my eyes and looking out the window finding it fitting to listen to 'rootless tree' for the millionth time.
"let me out, it's hell when you're around."
let me out...of this car....before I explode into a million pieces.

This year - the above scenario was prevented courtesy of starbucks and ipods.
And a few of my histrionics which set a superb sit-in-silence car ride vibe in its wake.
kidddinnggg. (kind of. sort of. not really!)

Then the way back was caraaazinesss

What started out as a thunderstorm pretty much turned into a flash flood.

At one point we couldn't even see out of the windshield!

This included fallen trees that took up two lanes, and a few power-lines in the process.

So anyways, since we went camping I decided I would try the whole " 'poo-less' "experiment.
Seeing as I couldn't shower for a week out on an island, I didn't really mind.
And though I do love my Burt's Bee's shampoo's, this is just something I'm used to every year for a week...which I thought could last longer given this attempt...
But no.

A week is pretty much all I can handle at this point.
Fyi, my family thinks I'm substantially more crazy due to this experiment, even though they're kind of used to these things by now (aka any esoteric/unconventional health/fitness/beauty regimes).
Plus my 11yr old brother got a real kick out the very name to begin with.
Which escalated to Brad laughing himself into an asthma attack while imitating my 'natural-oils-will-reset-my-hair' lecture
Which came to a full circle when my mom told me my hair smells like dirty socks.

The end!
I am going to wash my hair now.

And will update on food/exercise stuff lataah.
(along with pretty-picture-posts, tooo.)

{Preview}

2010-08-09T18:43:00.002-04:00

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved.
It's alright
No one's got it all.

So after a lot of complaining on ze fam's part, the last spektor song has sequenced through.
(May or may not also have prompted its disposal when, while at the mall (ick), dramatically bursting out singing those lines and linking arms with whoevers around, collapsing in a fit of laughter and then pretending to be a couple a la 500 days of summer in the home furnishings area. ahahaa. I highly recommend going to the mall or any public space and doing this. and then writing it on your blog. yeeeaaa....)

Anywhoo.

Yesterday & Today = reminiscing * /kaaterskilling/ * cold-water therapizing/ * iced-black-coffeeing/ * eucalypticiszing/ * yogasizing * /face-out-window on the freewaying * /no make-up (except burt's bee's lip balm- yess pleaasee)/ * supine cloud rorschach testing ;] * tree-climbing/ * plaid shirts/ * grass-blade-between-thumb-noises/ * chalk on the sidewalk * adorable cousins/ * /pastelling at vanderbilt with fold-up easels, * sundresses, * and british accents. ♥ and tea.

[singsong voice: these are a few of my favourite thiinggs]

[and re-reading eat pray love]

and the best = taking pics of ourselves and pretending it's the cover of an album (which involves coming up with hilarious titles and sarcastic/ironically paired images/phrases. I'll spare you those lol)

(if the above wasn't enough to convince you, the soundtrack = chick-flick music: Michelle Branch, Samantha Ronson, Vanessa Carlton, etcc.. =)

Now off to...reread charmed thirds? work on dance routine avec le soeur? sprint/tabata intervals?

All of the above?

Yusss.

Au revoir!

2010-08-08T13:43:00.008-04:00

{Mellow Yellow}

{True Blue}

[how I felt this morning]

[fruit plate: peach, almonds, cashews, AB, frozen raspb's & coffee]
{withalmondmilkandjustadrop!ofstevia}

[twas yumm-ish]

[happy hippiness]

[pretzel monster]

[iced tea, hummus, broccoli]

The scent of Lemon stimulates the hypothalamus (which controls body temperature, hunger, thirst, fatigue, and releases neurohormones). So for an energy boost I use this!
more accurately, right now I use it to get out of my moods...
[read: depression, the kind that weighs you down and makes you want to lock yourself in your room for days on end... ]

For this, I also recommend wearing anything overly (overtly) optimistic, like a yellow shirt:

[blurry, but you get the idea]

In fact, it's even better if it looks as though the sleeves are frigging wings.
(freedom = wings, durr)

{and also cutesy necklaces}

and lastly I would highly recommend making ice cream:

[just a splash of each of these]

+
Frozen Banana
+
MB blended
=

[Banana Soft Serve]

[which I ended up having to make 3048582 times cos everyone loooves it. yes that many.]

And then the next step is critical.
Walk out front door...
[in your yellow lemon-scented galore]
where the interrogating begins...
Wonder why you did this?
You can still run back inside?!
and hide!
But no.
You deal.
Cos that's what you have to do.
to get through
this.

Ack.

[Anyways, change-purse thrifting? I think so.]

90's music car rides are also essential.
Suggestions:
Fly - Sugar Ray
Fly away - Lenny Kravitz
and any other of these =P

2010-08-07T11:49:00.005-04:00

[negative space.]

Photojournal - bits of today

[wanna hug?!]

[fluff]

[If you read between the lines, it says GO]

Almond Butter Thumbprint Cookies:

- 2 eggs
- 1/4c + 2 T almond butter
- 1 t baking powder
- vanilla
- 1T coconut flour
- raspberry jelly

[this is all of course a guestimation of the amounts]

[kinda made a mess]

[Hemp-protein/banana/coconut milk w/ AB & cin.]

[artsy attempts]

[and sillyness]

[with a salad on the side]

[and a side of Micheal Westonliciousness]

["

."]

["quick! modull pose! think fast!" {him thinking fast}]

[please watch Alyssa's reaction in the progression of these photo's {i took one each step down the porch =P}]

[after lemonade-pong. yes im serious.]
[give it a few years, and I'm pretty sure her reactions will be the same with beer. ahaa.]

[Dirt used to be my faveee deserts btdubs. {the thing w/ the candles in it. Ingreds = cool whip, cream cheese, vanilla pudding, crushed oreos}]

[still with her lemonade]

[ear candy.]

2010-08-06T17:24:00.001-04:00

Awww!!!

Don't you
know
that
I
belong
arm in arm
with you
baaaabbbyyyy

I obviously annoyed the hell out of everyone in this household crooning over this song today.

And obviously I had to learn it on the piano.

(which was tolerated, since after the last one I learned involved a shoe horn and a overturned barbie-doll-pink plastic bowl in place of what should have been a drumstick and a chair...lol...)
Like so:

(the bro came in and recorded this, and is currently threatening to put it on youtube, in which case I will flip out. But no worries I have dirt on him to prevent this =P.
He also informed me that I look like a Geisha because of how much make-up I put on this morning.
Thanks, I'm thrilled to resemble a Japanese prostitute. Totally the look I was going for. Now excuse me while I go slip on a kimono and make green tea. )
(And btw that happened more like this:
him: whoa. what's wrong with your face? you look....you look like one of those japanese people
me: (somehow understanding what he meant) you mean a Geisha?
him: yea! that's it! your eyes look all pulled back and your face is like, white.
me: ......*makes face*...*punches his shoulder*)

Anyways.
The song is also bittersweet given my non-love life right now.
Because this song is kind of like how it feels to fall in love a little bit?
But it's totally cool cos spazz (I mean Sazz. see! i mention you in my undercover blog!) and i txt eachother cb updates on a daily basis.
Seeing as we are both in similar territory in this arena.

Now excuse me while I go finish choking on the sugar cube that is this song.

Oh wait, wait.
speaking of sugar -
went to the health food store today
annnd. the bro and i got:

mini gelato's!

But then due to these lovely factors I overlooked initially,

I gave mine to him as well!

(plus peanut-butter malt-balls he begged me to get for him. and cos i'm nice i do spoil him.)

(he also pointed out I'm falling back on the must-document-health-foods-and-meals phase along with the madge:
mom: oh, no.
me: oh, yes.
christian: oh...wow...this again? )

Yup!

Sooo now I'm off to watch 500 days of summer cos I've heard it's adorable. and it's going to be the salt in my lack of cuteness-with-someone wound.
and maybs have a bite of Lindt dark choc. (with sea salt! ha)

Or maybe we should just go out and see Salt? X)

wow. mk. im stopping now.

2010-08-06T14:44:00.001-04:00

My heart's been, I said my heart's been in chay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-aaaa-aaiiinnnss.
oh a oh.

Everyday.

(the great thing about having your own blog is you can be as narcissistic as you goddamn please.)
(im just being a tad bit self-indulgent ... for whatever reason.)

2010-08-05T10:57:00.006-04:00

Peach/Cashews/Almonds/Coconut butter/cinnamon

Today just got a lot better ^-^

Sometimes, I really feel bad for Benji:

Sooo. On with my obsessiveness, already.
(I presume I'll get bored of weight/image crud soon enough. until then...well - yea. these posts will all document it (obvs.))

Here is the thing that sucks about weight gain:
(because honestly there are so many positive things to say about it, i mean, riiigghht?!)

Not that I'd ever be as good-looking as Mischa Barton - but this is probably a similar before-and-after comparison pour moi.
And it royally sucks when you notice it in your face cos then you don't even want to smile, and then you do and someone happens to take a picture of you and then you see it, and then you go 'my what plumpified features I have' and then you puff out your cheeks (like a blowfish) as you look in the mirror and your roommate asks "um, rachel, what the hell are you doing?" to which you reply, "oh, just completing the look" and then proceed to waddle towards the door, (kind of like a penguin...) arms raised like frankenstein, pretending to wear a fatsuit (except you dont really have to - its already on!)
THEN you open the door just in time for a group of people to witness your circus-charade and to regain composure do that kind of awkward look-down-scratch-the-back-of-one-calf-with-opposite-foot/chin-to-shoulder
"ha..ha...haiii" then twirl your hair, fake smile really big, dos-si-do back inside the room and slide-down-the-door seeing as your face is the shade of a tomato.
While your roommate is uncontrollably laughing at her desk.
TOTALLY did not happen.
(no, im serious - yes, these two events did happen at some point, but not back to back =P)
(I probably would not be embarrassed if someone other than the roommates witnessed the penguin/blowfish combo...the running-back-into-dorm-sliding-down-door was most likely induced by a) purposely avoiding someone b) having a really awkward exchange and needing to be dramatic/gush about it c) just being overdramatic (as per usual).

You know I think it helps to channel all my obsessiveness in this way?
aka stupid blog stories?
It seems to free up more time somehow.
Like maybe cos I'm looking it right in the face and venting about it, its concentrated and not spread out over my entire day like nonstop overcast weather.

Or I am really losing it.
(likely)

Either/or.

ahaaA.

2010-08-04T16:04:00.002-04:00

Basically today is amazing because not deleting my facebook finally paid off:

I won one of my favoritteee boookkkss in the Jessica Darling series by Megan McCafferty!!!

((I require a steady stream of chick lit, usually. However sometimes these needs are unfortunately met by a certain addiction reality tv shows... one not of mine at all, but of persons whom shall not be named (that's definitely not grammatically correct...???)

But NOTHINGGG comes near to these books.

I swear they're practically on a shrine in my room.

(Ending my starstruck induced CAPS (!!!) and obbbnooxiioussslyy drawn out wooordsss./I-never-win-anything-what-is-this?!?-turn-of-events)

2010-08-04T11:39:00.007-04:00

Dynamic duo:
that time of the month + sprint set/bike ride in the early morning =

?

obvs something delish.

That is because
a) after re-punctuating (.) my lifetime after 7 months of insanity (read: the psychologically disordered sense, not the workout
((though I'm sure that would have layered on a fuller-blown sense of the definition? yes? in a very icing on the cake sort of fashion?))
I decided I would treat myself around that time
(you know - where I am not a treadmill tied
((rather exercise-junkied - i couldn't resist the alliteration)) run-on sentence)
in honor of my biological functions being in check. (TMI? um yea. do i care? um no.)
b) In conjunction with a non-wimpy workout, I feel ...justified? in making? pancakes?
Yup.

Anywhhooo. That means I simply grab a measuring cup and whatever other ingredients that catch my eye, blend it all together and hope it tastes good.

This also means I do not measure anything which is totally freeing. That's right. Freee your ingredients of their table-spooned, quarter-cupped shackles.

(Oh, also around this time of the month, I am noticeably (notably) more...um...ohhhmygosh do you know what I was just about to type? I SERIOUSLY was just about to type punny. this is where you know I am probably off the deep end****, seeing as I usually scoff at such sillyness.)

(I'm really not a snob, I promise. Just sometimes with words?* Like? If i ever. EVER. utter the word 'jeezums'** in my lifetime I give whoever is around me full permission to slap some sense back into my brain which would obviously be necessary seeing as I would probably be 1) inebriated or 2) delusional.

But I digress
.
* This also includes improper use of: cornucopia, plethora, and other flowery bombastic bullsh*t that I hear stated, albeit ironically - otherwise studded in speeches/convos like a rhinestone pattern on some hooch-ish outfit. (read: tacky).***
**Omega story. No, I am not discussing details. Dude at the lake. Slightly stalkerish. That's all that really needs to be said.
*** Oh. By the way? I can be a total hypocrite with that. Like bombastic is probably my favorite word, ever. Plus, I kind of live by: if it's ironic, it's ok.

**** another indication is my slighltly schizxotic (dude - I justt toootalllyyy coined a word! schizo + quixotic = schizxotic.) use of alliteration. And tendency to display the aforementioned words I spliced together. Excessively.

Further evidence:

Moving on.
I totally would not blame you if you skipped everything above and just got to this point.
I felt like rambling, so deal.
Um, yea.

Here's what was in ze coconut-banana-blueberry/raspberry/blackberry compote(sans sugar!) covered-unsweetened coconut shred-sprinkled-cinnamon-garnished pwo breakfast!

- 2 eggs
-coconut flour
-vanilla extract
- unsw. almond milk
-aluminum free baking powder
-few banana slices

-both the compote and batter cooked in EVCO.

sooo yum.

With coffee annnd almond milk and! like 2 drops liquid stevia!

So then it was 7am-ish annnd my alarm went off which is this song (really, you won't be suprised who it's by. I think I secretly want to be Regina Spektor.)

This of course means I dance around the kitchen until my brother, who was warily watching from ~~the sidelines, off-stage~~ the kitchen table, (of course the said table becomes a prop in my awesome routine not unlike this awesomeness. haaahaha. i wish.) mumbles something relatively incoherent...but sounds along the lines of: a) how it is humanly possible for you to have this much energy (granted for him 7am is an ungodly hour of the morning. when i am in my sleep-til-noon phases, I concur.) b) what drugs are you on and c) what is wrong with you. I may or may not have used my ESP to disentangle this from something not unlike a primordial groan that sounded like "unghshgagh."
(With a particular tone that indicated all of the above, naturally.)

It was really quite a beautiful routine, as most 7am motions are: graceful, flowing, completely un- stuttered and un- resembling drunkenly schlepping home post-party at all.
Then comes one of my favorite lines:

I went walking/through the city/like a drunk, but not./With my slip/showin a little/like a drunk but not.

And I try to do one of those modern/interpretive? moves where you fall to the floor suddenly but smoothly in between the city/like bit. And let me just say... well I got the sm in the oothly but that quickly turned into sm..ashes/crashes into the hardwood floor. In that instant (and ONLY in that instant) was I glad to have bestowed upon myself the nickname 'royal thighness.'*
*Me = Royal Thighness
Sis = Jelly Belly.

Trust me - over the winter I had an incident involving a ...yea a single story window (hmm - two would sound so much better) and my derriere. And in that instant, too, I was similarly pleased to fill the ass in astronomical.

The thing about these instances (instancies) is that they are only that.
A second.
And in the space between these lovely incidents (rachel! the floor! its...haha no.)
There is an unbridled hatred/unnacceptance for these specific areas.
So yea. Anyways.
At least it was entertaining.
lol.

Also!
Ma sœur et moi faisons un vidéo-clip de cette chanson!
(so cute too! I even broke out the colored chalk and drew the you-ooo-ooo's and ah-ah-re's =)...coming soon i hope)

OMG. and when I get my willpower and grace (lalalooovee ♥) cert (details laterrr!) I can totally play this mix of it during one of the classes!!!
(this may induce many a water bottle to be thrown in my general direction...hmm..)

And of course I still need ppl to keep me in check. hah.

Haven't food-blogged in a while - so this was... ~~goof!~~ good! =D

...and I am one of your people, but the cars don't stop...

2010-08-02T17:01:00.014-04:00

I left a few feathers.

Respekt it.

Photo Journal of Today
------------------------------------------

Happy Birrrrtthhhdayyyy dear BRADFORRRDDD.

Heart Locket thing

Gradation action: Gold to green

Blue to purple

My gorgeous cousin Anna

Yes, my hair is covering my index finger. that is a peace sign...
BTDUBS

The benefit of weight gain. hahaa.
And that is my favee outfit. Looks done up, feels like pjamas. My kind of style.

Words.
(AND WINE)

I eat them too.
(with a mask on at midnight. ummhmm.)
(pretttyyy newww journalllee)

Sun slants, barcodes, porchrails....

and barricades.

spotlights onnn.

Volleyball

Capture the flag
And my camera sucks, soooo these are lame non action shots.

"When you behold the beauty in all things, you become quite beautiful."
aw.

(except when its plastic and sarcastic)

2010-08-01T23:50:00.003-04:00

You know when you listen to a song for the first time and it fits everrrryyyythinnnnggg that has been going on in your life? Yea. That is this:

and you just kind of sit there in this awed state that something could actually fit what your feeling cos you isolate yourself from reality so much you forget that its really not that steep.

But it looks it.

2010-07-26T16:13:00.002-04:00

I don't ever want to feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love - take me all the way.

2010-07-26T01:00:00.001-04:00

2010-07-25T23:52:00.002-04:00

I died again.
(y)
And I.

Should have gone blonder.

This is DEFINITELY the dumb blonde joke territory of my life.

But no, I decided on Golden Cappucino.

I get this really hysterical image of a hairstylist illustrating the color by mixing gold glitter flecks with Starbucks and pouring it over a clients hair ...and yea. Ha.

Just thought I'd share that.

And this:

And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.

-Sylvia Plath

(It is more like a twist-tie of dumb blondededness with plathetic platitudes and very bell-jarring)

*sigh*

2010-07-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

You're reading Fitzgerald, you're reading Hemingway -

2010-07-25T22:04:00.006-04:00

they're both supersmart and drinking in the cafes.

CD narcissism.
Just a little bit.

And in light of an homage to oldies:

Ack.

Misprinted linocut self-portraits and unfinished acrylic flowers.

Here is my pattern:
I QUIT EVERYTHING BEFORE I EVEN TRY.

and

I'm in love with this song:

...and you don't love your girlfriend
and you think that you should but
she thinks that she's fat
but she's not
but you dont love her anyway

You're so young, you're so goddamn young.

SO
GOD
DAMN
YOUNG

2010-07-16T11:54:00.000-04:00

2010-07-12T18:21:00.002-04:00

So I've been meaning to do this for awhile.
I'm gonna try to write up some of the different experiences here at Omega - from classes to other stuff from time to time.
I intended to do this with my last LSW (life skills workshop), which was Yoga Inside Out...but was too ...distracted...lazy...loathsome? to do so.

So for this work period I'm taking Yin Yoga.
The website is here, and the basic overview here.

I actually just got out of class and feel....
......
I'm not sure yet, but I know it's good.
Wholesome.
Nurturing
Caring

I didn't want class to end.

The whole principle of Yin yoga is dwells upon that mothering energy in and of itself.
And that's something I need to really establish without incongruity within myself.

Someone mentioned I need to be more carefree.
(About certain things)
Definitely an imbalance with where i place my cares.

Take care
If you're free.

Anyways. I'm sick of sitting here flabby-thighed...(and armed...and...stopping...) on the computer.
So I'm gonna yang out the yin.

(You know, thank goodness I chose not to tell anyone about this blog...or make it entirely public for that matter!)

Peeeaaaceee.

2010-07-07T12:28:00.001-04:00

Better!

kinda sorta!

2010-06-30T19:57:00.003-04:00

I have no idea - but this was in my head today.

2010-06-29T16:56:00.002-04:00

101.5 degree fever.

Not breaking.

Goosebumps.

SICKNESS = (((.

First time in like... a year and a half.

Bleh.

2010-06-29T16:47:00.002-04:00

Self-Help/ Holistic Studies Shelf in Longhouse.

Wonderful quote in my dorm.

Berries right outside my dorm!

Im on the right!

And of course...kombooch, watercolor, lifeguard chair.

2010-06-22T09:19:00.003-04:00

Mint

Minty

Mint Tea

...and jacaranda vines.

and hilarious youtube videos of the brother:

hahaaa...oh do I miss high school English classes.

Sweat Lodge!!!

2010-06-21T22:50:00.002-04:00

Yes, it was today.
And no, I didn't go.
Even though I signed up...
Won't get into the logistics of thaaat right now, but there will be another one in July which I WILL be going to.

Seeing as I had no idea what to expect I did do a little researcchh:

Sweat lodges are found in many Native American tribal practices and steam or hot water baths have been used in most cultures around the world. Drawings of a Mandan sweat lodge were made in 1845 and Mayan sweat houses have been excavated that date back 1200 years, so the use of sweat lodges extends back before recorded history in North America.

The sweat lodge is designed to purify and cleanse the participant for the purpose of healing mind, body, emotions, and spirit. Although there certainly is a physical component to the sweat lodge because of the intense heat and totally dark environment, the psychological "work" done by the participant in his or her prayers may have an even greater impact on the participant. People in the sweat lodge are told that when they leave the lodge, they will be reborn since the lodge is seen as a womb of Mother Earth. However, the main purpose of the sweat lodge is for the participants to pray, to ask blessings for others, and to ask for healing for themselves or others.

The Graduate

2010-06-19T23:11:00.009-04:00

Alyssa graduated from 8th grade!!! Awww!

She got out of school early, so I picked her up and we ran all over town, sistah styleee.
This may or may not have included:

Awesome sunglasses

REALLY awkward pictures of us in matching dresses...and yes she made me go out in public matching....we're cool.

Piano concerts in our living room.

I will let this speak for itself.

Our advertisement for Calgon: Take me away.
ahaaa.

That would be a caramel frappucino (w/ extra caramel & whipped cream...)
She made me try a sip.
It was so cloyingly sweet and just ... ick. Crazy how I used to love those things!
Black coffee pour moi thankyouverymuch!

Rollerblading on the bridge.
(the left-hand picture explains a) why I do not wear sunglasses often...and b) why i highly dislike pictures of myself. (really, your posting like a bazillion of yourself right n... moving on! this is not a masochistic gesture at allll!)

Pedicures with the madre. (who got red along with alys, but did not feel her feet were photogenic).

Poooook!!!

Adorable chipmunk!

A blurry version of me being sad because she ate 1/2 of the container of coconut butter i made =(

BTdubs...you should enjoy that like this:

mmm.

Annnd finally here was her performance at the end of the graduation ceremony along with another girl in her class.

2010-06-17T23:22:00.002-04:00

Thank you.

The clincher:
"Even when you're bad you're not good enough!" How skinny would I have to get before people thought I was actually sick?"

I fight with this a lot.

And this article summed it up way better than I can.

"My dirty little not-so-secret is that I would love to be that weight again, ribs and all. But I can't do it and remain healthy. Some women probably can weigh what I did and keep their periods and their sanity. Not me. Not my body. And so I choose to maintain a weight higher than what is comfortable for me and waffle back and forth between self -hatred and -love because I know where the alternative leads and I can't pay that price anymore. Even if that makes me look 15 pounds too fat on camera."

AGREED.

2010-06-17T22:56:00.006-04:00

Acorn Heart

Cool hot mess

Foreground

Background
Focus

I tried to pick him up!

Crazy redonculous fortress

He's just chillin

*

Orange...salamander?

Lily's

Feathers

Blue-yellow-orange-red

Lily pad heart =)

2010-06-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.mapmyrun.com/run/united-states/ny/rhinebeck/581051125037"&amp;gt;Omega 10mile&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;&amp;lt;br/&amp;gt;&amp;lt;a href="http://www.mapmyrun.com/find-run/united-states/ny/rhinebeck"&amp;gt;Find more Runs in Rhinebeck, New York&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

Yum.

2010-06-12T18:19:00.005-04:00

UPDATES:

So.
Omega.
And I forgot my cod liver oil =(.
But the place is chill.

I feel such gratitude towards the people there: those who have tried to help me, those that don't understand me, those that reach out and say 'hey you are OK why cant you fucking see that?'
(Ok I'm fudging a little it wasnt that blunt but that's what i took from it).

One thing that really touched me was when this guy in my yoga class came over to my mat before class, reached into his bag and handed me this book:

A few nights before I was kind of rambling on to him about my inability to get over myself and therefore cannot live as I want to and other nonsense in that vein.
He told me about this book and had some other insights I had overlooked in my MYopic
view of things.
(My, me, ego, ego blahblahblah....)

And he put the receipt in the front cover and marked an important page.
That is all I'll disclose about that (on this blog), seeing as its significance will be revealed and intertwined via my ridiculous connections in my book.

But I was just so shocked that he took the time to do that.
And thats just one instance. I'm amazed that people are trying to reach out to me given my constant pushing-away. And then it kills me cos I'm like WHY do I have such judgment attached, WHY do I think I know how they think/feel about me etc etc.
WHY do I constantly feel such worthlessness?
Ya knooo?

On the ahh...weight front.
HAH.

Well, what can ya do, really.
I dont eat for a few days, then I'm ravenous, then I eat a lottt.
Striking a BALANCE is so difficult when I'm so all or nothing.
When I'm either bolted into this sense of purity through sacrifice or bolting from that when I hand the reigns to hate and fear.
Its havoc on my body.

Then last night I really FELT the lbs (yes, lazy bum syndrome..)
And the mirror didnt help. But I've learned I cannot trust the mirror. Ever.
When I'm neurotic I see myself with disgust. Other times when I'm like ok just MOVE, but I cant take it either because there's so much I dont want to deal with - not wanting to be seen because of it.
You know what is so ironic through this all?
My first word?
"Pretty"
And then I wonder if that set this up or if its just me being ridiculous again. ughh.

Buut ok anyways - moving away from psycho-slosh and back to facts.

***Something to note is that my moods have been erratic given the *sigh* re-introduction of grains.
NO GRAIN
I gave grain a go seeing as everyone appears to live off of toast, bagels, and coffee. Oh and gluten free corn flakes.
Forget that. My energy is zapped and I feel horrible.
(Except i will on occasion probs have quinoa, given the lack of meat)

I had cut out tofu, all soy etc but I neeed protein so I had to switch that up =(.
BUT I think I may also be allergic to that cos I felt so so so sick afterwards.

So here is what my diet is looking like:
No dairy
No eggs
No meat (um except when i'm off campus and i will gladly indulge)

Minimal soy
(edamame + tempeh...not tofu)

So ya.
I think I try to adapt to who I'm around when it comes to diet, but I'm continually reminded that that does not work. I'm too reflective. Too Pisces. Yea vegetarian is great when you have substantial fats and enough protein...but otherwise it is just...blahhh. And no dairy or eggs...i am so sad! I practically live off of those things! But no more. I'm tired of feeling this way, and if the doc said thats what I'm allergic to...well for once i'll listen.

SOOO in order to get enough protein I caved and bought SUNWARRIOR PROTEIN POWDER, finally. No more whey =(. I'm sure once I get these allergies sorted out though I'll be able to tolerate dairy again...um...i hope?
And I'm doing a GREENS AND PROTEINS CLEANSE.
AKA: 1-2 fruits allowed a day, otherwise mostly veggies and nuts/seeds.

Typical day:
Breakfast:
Coffee w/ hemp milk + 1 tsp coconut oil
apple
-or-
Water w/ lemon + tsp coconut oil w/ vitamins

Lunch:
Salad avec beets/red onion/mushrooms/hummus.
1 scoop sunwarrior w/ hemp milk

Dinner:
Steamed broccoli/olive oil/ liquid aminos/nutritional yeast
Grapefruit.

Yes I have already lost around 20lbs in about 2 weeks.
But I had been avoiding the scale, checked before I left and almost had a heart attack.
I still have a ways to go. And yea, I still want to be 120.
For whatever reason it is wedged into my brain that I will be SOO happy and at peace with myself when I weigh that much.
So I will be CONTENT at 130, which was my original goal.
i will not get carried away....and let neurosis rule my life.

I HIGHLY recommend this if you have any hardcore muscle ache-age from over-exercising.

(TOO adorable: Shanti and Anait at the beach with goose feathers - pretending to fly)

2010-06-02T01:49:00.005-04:00

from Omega

Tea, ice water and the rest is obvs.

GIVE on the inside of my left palm, TAKE on the back. (AWAKE on my fingers)
WANT on my right palm.

And KNEADY NEEDY NEEDINESS
on the crook of my elbows.

(and flowers and swirls)

Not henna...but...when I get it I am totally henna-ing these instead of Sharpie-ing them

She copied me.
But I have an awesome dance-thing that goes with mine. So YEA.
(But the checkerboard is cooool)
(And in her emo-ness she wrote 'love never lasts' on her fingers.)

And also along with body-doodling,
as of late I also got her hooked on this song

2010-05-27T16:08:00.005-04:00

...exhibit A.
(my room 7 years ago)

Exhibit B: Spilt tea
A book on the eye
and sea-green liquid eyeliner

Exhibit C: Yellow-Blue
and freckle-worded mirror

Exhibit D: Heart-shaped Roseee =}

Exhibit E: More tea, a bonsai tree, and branches and prisms reflected

Exhibit F: Henna

Soooo I'm blogging now because:
-my mouth has now reached angelina jolie-esque proportions
-I'm still breaking out in hives in spite of a lovely cocktail of:
prednisone, benedryl, zyrtec, and some breathing thingie from the doctors office to make my throat not close up.
- western medicine is screwed up
- and my body is now a toxic waste dump.
X[

2010-05-27T14:40:00.003-04:00

Liquid Diamonds

Surrender then start your engines.

You'll know quite soon what my mistake was.
For those on horseback or dog sled, you turn on at the bend in the road.
I hear she still grants forgiveness, although I willingly forgot her.
The offering is molasses, and you say...

I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally.
I guess I'm an underwater thing, liquid running.
There's a sea secret in me it's plain to see a-it is rising.
But I must be flowing liquid diamonds... liquid... liquid? diamonds.

Calling for myself at the corners of the world.
I know she's playing poker with the rest of the stragglers.
Calling for my soul at the corners of the world.
I know she's playin' poker with the rest, the rest...
And if your friends don't come back to you.
And you know this is madness.
A lilac mess in your prom dress, and you say...

I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally.
I guess I'm an underwater thing, liquid running.
There's a sea secret in me it's plain to see a-it is rising.
But I must be flowing liquid? diamonds? liquid... liquid? diamonds.

I call. I go inside her. Shall I see it so?
And you're doing oh-so-well these days. You do it again.
And I say it's coming back again. Something like that.
These Saturdays, such muse in it, can he bring me those chains?
Keep it back. Daddy's down preachin' back into himself.
Keep it just between us, yes. It's liquid... liquid... liquid...

surrender: 1441, "to give (something) up," from O.Fr. surrendre "give up, deliver over" (13c.), from sur- "over" + rendre "give back" (see render). Reflexive sense of "to give oneself up" (especially as a prisoner) is from 1585. The noun is recorded from 1487.

*I wanna make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake.

*"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
Done.
Forgotten.

i really think that liquid diamonds is about hiding and repressing all of your bad memories and pain in life. the diamonds are a result of the coal (pain and suffering) hardening over time to become a part of you.

the suffering has made her a more cold, hard person. the "i guess i can't take it personally" always made me think of when you say something nasty that you don't mean as a result of being upset over something else and you say "don't take it personal, i didn't mean it." she has to accept who's she become now as a result of the past: abuse, breakups, ...

Annnd I don't feel like connecting the rest of what I highlighted so it's just as it is.
Which is better.
Words don't get you anywhere.

LALALAAAA.

Hike

2010-05-23T20:44:00.006-04:00

Elbow tree!

Top

The one in the middle was literally 6 ft! accckkk!

It looks like a face in profile.

Heart shaped rock!

2010-05-23T01:59:00.003-04:00

Belief. believe. beee leeeaavee. Be life.

I'm in another self-help book phase. I'll share a few of what my last foray into this wonderful territory yielded:

-

I was 12 years old. These helped a bit. But now here I am. again. OK. SOOO.
No shame, folks. I am so so sooo stuck its gross.

Sooooooo here's to being healed. And here are the things that need to be resolved:

- looking for external validation, acceptance. doesn't matter.
- focusing so much on surface level things when what you really gravitate toward is depth.
- falling for illusions.
- looking for depth when it is not there.
- being so frigging oversensitive.
- chaining yourself to misery, hopelessness, doubt.
- getting so attached/other codependent nonsense.
- overthinking the smallest most ridiculous things that most people dont think twice about.
- the wake, and the "wake" of and between moods.
- ...this is a long list
- maybe it will cure my listlessness?
- in more ways than one.
- haha.
- I'm really not a list person.
- like, at all.
- you know, the types of people that can go oh let me pencil you in and check this task off once its complete and ...yea.
- however this may help

I have an addiction to fixing so to speak.

And an addiction to labeling.

hypochondria: 1839, "illness without a specific cause," earlier (1668) "depression or melancholy without real cause," earlier still (1373) ypocandria "upper abdomen," from L.L. hypochondria "the abdomen," from Gk. hypokhondria (neut. pl.), from hypo- "under" (see sub-) + khondros "cartilage" (of the breastbone). Reflecting ancient belief that the viscera of the hypochondria were the seat of melancholy.

I'm making this post uber random.
Here are two facts that make me really happy:
- The average American waits for 6 months over their lifetimes at stop lights.
(from one of my faves Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty)
“Did you know that the average American spends six months of his or her life
waiting for red lights to turn green?”
“What?”
“Six months wasted, waiting for permission to move on,” he said.
“Uh-huh.”
“Think of all the other stuff you could do with that time.”
I was totally confused. “In the car?”
“In your life,” he said.
“Oh.”
Then Bee Gee started talking about FDR’s New Deal and that was the end of that.
And so it went for the rest of the week. Before History class, Marcus would tap m
on the shoulder and ask me a question that, on the surface, had nothing to do with anything
But then it would evolve into a conversation about something much more than I expected,
considering the randomness of the opening statement. It’s hard to explain. It was like a verbal Rorschach test.

- The word cleave has two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere, separate.
(from the plagiarized How Opal Mehta got kissed, got wild, and got a life)
“Did you know that there are some words with two synonyms that are actually antonyms
of each other?”
I had been on a conference call with the HBz till late into the past night, discussing
exactly what we should wear to the upcoming Woodcliff winter pep rally, and now I could
just wasn’t in the mood to spar with Sean. “No…,” I said, wondering what was coming
next.
“Cleave,” he said. “Two of its synonyms are adhere and separate. Weird huh?”

Opposites

2010-05-18T23:56:00.003-04:00

Ohhhh ME GAHH.

OMG

OMEGA

I am SO (so sooo sooooo) ....(insert emotion I have never experienced before here)
Excited? Nervous? Apprehensive? Hopeful? ....Happy?
(I think I'm dumb...or maybe just happy)

Idk. I just feel amazing right now. I feel like I'm finally getting a grip.
Purchase. Something I can push off of.
Something I can propel. Something I can create, cultivate.
A peace, a place, a past I can let go of.
IDK.

It could just be a feeling. I could wake up again tomorrow feeling out of control again.
(actually THIS feels slightly out of control, really)
Which is sad.
I don't want this feeling to end if that's all it really is.
I guess tomorrow will tell.
Impending doom...orrr....reawakened something or other.

huh.

Anywhaayyzzz.

While this lasts, this lucidity, I guess you could call it (unburdened by the weight of the murky shtufff that skews my reality. read: depression, or just my negative nature? who really knows.)
I guess I'll enjoy it.
Yup.
Uh huh.

I reaaallllyyyy need to get this blog back to its original sense of integrity.
Correction: I need MY sense of integrity back.

2010-05-11T18:45:00.000-04:00

It uploaded sideways =/

Oh well!!!

2010-05-11T17:04:00.005-04:00

Currently:

Back on campus. Dealing with this. (and by this I mean myself).
You see, despite the fact that this is most likely just a caffeine-induced rant,
(Munching on a few dark-chocolate covered espresso beans. At 5 pm. fail.
Drinking skim milk. fail.
Intro to dance class. (will probably) fail. Stopped going abouuutt 2 months ago. )
I have decided I CANNOT KEEP FALLING INTO THESE HABITS/DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS IN THIS WAY.
Sorry, I had to shout that.
Because I cannot go on like THIS.
So, back to me explaining why my life has been hijacked, (or at least I feel a looot of pent up negativity has led me to this point.)
It's an interplay of everything - a culmination of all that has been building up, leading me HERE. NOW. HELLO!!!

Today is the last day of classes.
Last year, to deal with the stress, I did not stop moving. Like...literally. Appointment to get to? Mile on the track first! Finals to study for? Do so while elliptiscizing!
IT BEGAN THERE, I BELIEVE. Buuut I wont get into that now. here is a nice little cut and dry sequence, in which I do not go all cathartic-purging on you.
It's sad it happened like this, really.

And this is, afterall, just for me to come to terms with it myself. Yet making it public. awesome.

So!

Here is how I see it: Discovered Primal --> felt awesome -->got obsessed --> over IFing--> orthorexia --> body dysmorphia --> anorexia --> summer--> depression smothers everything --> guilt --> shame--> self-loathing --> compulsive eating --> eating --> oh,imstilleating -->major breakdown --> dysthymia -->sadsadsad--> cymbaltaCLAPintobeing --> fasted --> snapped --> mania --> HAppy --> hive outbreaks-->major breakdown --> unstoppable crying over nothing --> nothing--> NOW.

ANXIETY.
FEAR.

My body, mind, and spirit are severely severed.
That is why I need a connection.
A union.
A yoking.
(If you are good with etymology maybe you see where this is going?)
A YOGA RETREAT.
(ish)

To join me back together again.
I have been SO DISGUSTINGLY caught up in image - in form - in neglect/repression/yet simultaneously intense focus? on my body that it knocked everything way out of whack.
And what I find I'm craving is something spiritual.

And wholesome.
And so, when I spoke to the madre about a yoga something or other, she suggested Omega, cos one of her clients got certified there, or something.
And I looked it up and what not. THEN like two days later I get an email saying that they are looking for a full-time lifeguard as a part of their staff for the summer (via the swim coach at my college). Room, board, staff classes included. UM (?!).
Total synchronicity. I mean, right?!?! ahaa.

Though the pay is not great, it's the experience I need.
And I need to
GROW THE HELL UP.
So enough of my whining and poor-me-isms...and other various contortions I try to mask as something else when it's really just that....

MENS SANA EN COPORE SANO

2010-05-10T08:08:00.001-04:00

"She was 20 years of clean...she never truly hated anyone or anything..."

2010-05-08T21:32:00.002-04:00

tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone

in the place where I make no mistakes

in the place where I have what it takes

2010-05-03T16:12:00.003-04:00

Sarah says this song is like me (today at least)
I kinda sorta not really agree.
Totally wrong genre, man.
BUt. Lyrics-wise I suppose it floats.
I supposeee.

That is because our wonderful textual relationship today went like this:
Sarah: How are you chica?
Rachel: Like the weather
Sarah: ?
Rachel:

Sarah: Oh my goodness girl you need to snap out of it.

Yes. Yes I do.

Shush. It's things like this that make my lifetime h'okayyyyy????

Don't hate.

2010-05-03T14:35:00.002-04:00

OMG. Summer summer summmmerrrr. How much do I need this semester to be overrrrr??? A LOT A LOT aloootttaa.
So that I can:

Take pictures like this:

Do a lot of this:

Annnd get baaackk tooo thisss weiiigghhht so i can deal with my lifetime:

Not doing well! BUT. It's OK because I'm being re-routed. mk?
Alsooo, on the foodie front: doing a lot of raw ish stuff what with summer.
sooo. yea.
the end. for now.
Some other realizations:
DEFINITELY not grounded enough to be on my own. nope.
campus exacerbates this disorder
music breaks it up
i am in excess.
in many more ways than one.

And

this. too. shall. pass.

2010-05-01T01:47:00.002-04:00

and spring brings fresh little puddles

that makes it all clear
makes it all...
hey, do you know
hey, do you know
what this is doing to me?
oh, here...
here...
here. in my head

2010-04-28T12:24:00.003-04:00

Goodbye to pisces - Tori Amos
Northern Lad - Tori Amos
Alameda - Elliott Smith
Between the Bars - Elliott Smith
Braille - Regina Spektor
Let's Get Lost - Elliott Smith
Sweet Avenue - Damien Rice
Criminal - Fiona Apple
Carbon Monoxide - Regina Spektor
Grey Room - Damien Rice
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
Dogs - Damien Rice
Mother - Tori Amos
Miss Misery - Elliott Smith
I Better Be Quiet Now - Elliott Smith

so sosososooo stuck.
yuck.

2010-04-28T12:19:00.000-04:00

and i said, darlin i dont feel so good

2010-04-28T10:29:00.009-04:00

...dont feel justified. come on put a little love here in my void. he said "it's all in your head," and I said "so's everything" but he didn't get it. ......

Deleting all my photogs but i wanna save these somewhere soooo im putting them here.

On another note: I really dont know why I try anymore. This has gotten out of hand. Out of control.

SO. Anyways. I've realized I need to start wanting again. Not this constant give up everything cos it makes you better mentality. oh the appeal of asceticism. but no. nononononooo. The empty being the full and blahblahblahhhh imsosickofit. Yet that has become my nature. Enougghhhhhhhh.
In some regards. Like in regards to what i want for my future, etc...

ALSO. No more allowing people to determine my mood. It's ludacris. Baaasically I let the slightest things get to me.
No mas.
And no more letting people in my life to end up crushed. Nonononooo. Build up past this.

Need to get rid of these once and for allll. From last summer....when I was in my crazy mirror-obsessed mode, constant body-checking. or whatever.

And these are for self portraits ima working onnn. Hah.

Ack. Need to finish thissss.

teheheee.

gorge

HAHAHA. I told her to use this as the title somewhat jokingly....but she actually did! loveee ittt hahaa.

AND

Yes i did. =P

2010-04-22T18:26:00.000-04:00

2010-04-18T17:25:00.000-04:00

2010-04-11T14:11:00.005-04:00

This is what we call break up therapy.

Cinnamon mocha chiller/ double chocolate chip cookie.

I ♥ you lyssaaa

Oh to be 15 and in and out of ~~lust~~ love
Hahahaaa.

We:
Saw The Blind Side (so good!)
(I kept on telling the sis how Collins has gorge eyebrows. Love that look. )
Then we scoped out potential boys at the mall. (Hahaha) Which more or else just ended up in our typical people watching commentary.
THEN we went to walmart and midnight and did the tango down a few aisles, hipped whilst looking for fabric paints (my latest art obsession) to which a guy did a double take as he was walking passed us, then went "git it guurrrll." Cue us collapsing into a spastic laughing fit.

Theeen the next day we went on an aahhhhmazingggly awesome 4 hour hike at Mt. Beacon.
I wore the vibs again annnd have to say it really never does end - once you start wearing them be prepared to be a spokesman or women for VFF.

THEN i saw an ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS PICTURE TAGGED OF MOI ON FACEBOOK WHICH TRIGGERED A HUUUGE meltdown.
I really dont know how I got here, but i guess it's better than where I was before....
However I still fight that ALL THE TIME. Wth. Like whether it'd be better to isolate myself so that I can get back to being skinny like last semester and go all exercise crazy or just enjoy living my life.

Idkkkk.
Ack.

Then I proceeded to make a cazillion majillion ridic connections to why I am here and how it is fitting in my typical lame pun word-play manner which I will spare you of cos it gets rather redonculousss.

Annnd now I'm going to go back to writing an essay about Vampires and how these gothic notions are currently saturated into our society and blahblahblah. I swear that class usually just ends up as such: What does the sword in The Castle of Otranto symbolize? etc etc and it gets all Freudian so I get kinda confused cos is it not supposed to an english WRITING class and not psychology and what is up with over-analyzing it anyways maybe the author really did just want the sword to be a sword and not a phallic symbol and at this point I'm just rambling so I dont have to go write about the aforementioned cos it is SO BORING and its much more fun to aimlessly write and pour out bits of my life into this void that is this blog that is the internet but now I thinkkk im going to stop cos its late and even though I probably wont sleep I can always try. Ok goodbyeee!!!

2010-04-11T00:38:00.002-04:00

"I love your depression, and I love your double chin"

Yes.

2010-04-07T22:34:00.004-04:00

This is what I do on rainy days

Read: Put on bathing suit, old shoes (only cos it was freeeezinnggg) and bum concealing skirt
Run across the street like a madwoman and scare the hell out of sushi nut mango, who just got back from work. (She insisted she needed a picture to document my insanity. I obliged.) Then being her typical hypochondriatic (?) germophobotic self she informed me I was going to have kidney failure and catch pneumonia as a result of my rainscapades. I said no worries, I'm all adiposed up and wasnt even cold. Really. I wasn't.
This happens of course after running around the backyard/on the jungle gym/in the mud with your kid sister.
My mom thinks I'm regressing.
I kind of agree.

This is what I do on other days

Read:~~Beg~~, ~~Drag~~, Kindly ask Bradford to go on a bike ride with me.

*Here i tried to insert a video of me documenting the fact that I was in front of bradford and therefore winning the whole bike ride but blogger is not letting me upload my victory. Or youtube. lame.*

However shortly after he got a flat tire.

So we waited by the park until the padre came to pick him up. I found a patch of violets and put one behind my ear, cos obviously that is just what you do when you stumble upon violets in early spring. Or maybe I should have just ate them.

TTFN!

2010-04-06T16:37:00.005-04:00

Randoms:

Crustless quiche! and Asparagus!!

Yellow roseee

Margotttt!!!!

Easter appetizerz

We got a power wheel!!! Whoooo!!! I did some pikes and push up crawls. Tough stuff!!!

♥

Today is a total damien day, but this one is my current obsession

2010-04-06T16:22:00.001-04:00

2010-04-06T16:13:00.001-04:00

2010-04-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

2010-04-03T14:57:00.001-04:00

Looooveee ittt.

2010-03-31T21:20:00.000-04:00

2010-03-30T22:50:00.003-04:00

All I have from today are orange tea roses that I bought as a gesture that would best resemble a truce for the madre:

And here is a picture of my favoritest afghan. Because I felt like it - okkkya?

This guy is amazing:

You should probs check out all his musiccc cos its fabulous.

2010-03-30T03:14:00.000-04:00

Love this movie, and this song.

Avoiding things that need to get done

2010-03-29T23:34:00.005-04:00

....And blogging instead

HOW FRIGGIN ADORABLE. Does he not look like a little pooh bear? Or maybe eeyore??

He's such a babe.

Sooo no pics of eats or whatevs from today BUT I decided to be the ~~embarrassing~~ amazing sister and capture these glorious moments of ear pierced-ness on camera.

Hahaaa

Rockin her deflowered earlobes.

Here is me trying to look hardcore.

Ohhh and the bro showed me this totallly awesome website, Monkey Bar Gym.
We did the workout for today and I'm gonna try to do them everydayyyaa.

But with exercise I have been doing a little bitta this (with 8lbs weights yo) a little bitta that and a whole lotta of yoga.
I used to tell people that my extreeemme affinity for yoga, yogurt, and probably all things starting with the letter y (oh like yarn, too at the time I was in my knitting phase) was because of the general lack of y chromosome in my lifetime. Haaa.
Why ohhh why. I've no ideaaaa.

Here is Alyssa looking like a cartoon character.

Here is me ending this rambling mess and maybe working on portraits I've abandoned on my easel.

(My bro has been messing it up even more than it already is as seen in my lovely reminder to him not to touch it while I'm at school.)

While listening to music that suits my mood, of course.

Lalala laaaaa.

Blaaahhh.

2010-03-29T13:00:00.003-04:00

And in came a heat wave
A merciful save
And you choose, you chose
Poetry over prose

A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on

Icarus

2010-03-28T16:35:00.005-04:00

This is what happens when you have too much time to think about things. Wanna see?

Ok. SO. There is the sun. And you love the warmth and light but are stupid enough to act like a lady bug and bang against it so that your shell colliding with the glass goes ping-ping-ping! Because its not close enough as you would like and you just want to be one with it but cannot because its a glass-ceiling type deal and like Icarus if you're too curious you'll undo the wax that binds your wings and then you fall and then you're broken and then you end up dead on a dirty carpet floor with paint stains and skunk shoes above your head

and its all meaningless and you want to cry but you're not that pathetic so instead you just crumble. Like a cookie. Not like oragami. If you could crumple and crease like oragami your wings would never come unbound in the first place. And then you could even beautifully unfold in the right moments if you're not torn.

Which you are.

I mean if you leave the lights on too long you end up attracting luck to watch it die!
How sad!

I mean if your shell is not strong enough to break the glass that causes the pinnng-ing noises like a drum like a rhythym like the rain then why on Earth would you purposely bash yourself against it?

Is it obvious I'm off the deep end?????

Can I just curl up, cocoon up in a song forever? Or no - just hibernate there for awhile and not come out until I feel a shift in me?

Until things are the way I want them to be????

It's all what you bring to it, really. But I constantly need things to pull me out.

Of this.

Mess.

This hagard un-hot mess. That is me. At least some girls can be hot messes and that's, well hot.
But when you're a hideous mess... you're done for!

OH NO.

Here is what I am sick of:

Weighting

Waiting

Wanting

Worrying

Wishing